The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Underwater
DAD: How are your exams son?
BOY: Underwater.
DAD: Underwater? What do you mean?
BOY: They're below C level.
The Price of Heroism
A guy walks into heaven and is greeted by heaven's secretary. "Well hello Mr. Jones", the secretary politely says "We'd love to have you here, but I'm afraid you can't come in unless you did a good deed in your life, and your record doesn't show anything. Did you do anything good?"
"Well recently, I saw this man being mugged by a three huge gang-bangers. So, I stopped my car, and pulled out my tire iron. Then, I walked to their leader and hit him hard on the head. After he fell dead, I looked at the others and said,'Who wants some o' this?"
"That's very brave, and kind. What happened next?" Asked the celestial secretary.
"I'm here now, aren't I?"
Come In
A salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".
He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".
As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.
As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.
Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.
He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"
The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"
Sports Car Dream
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."
Quickie Q&A
Father: How were the exam questions?
Son: Easy
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
What's Black and White.. 
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"
The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
Redneck Eulogy
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
"Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
Patience
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied.... "Thrown."
Two Lawyers
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
